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- God bless Atheism
- I drink to make other people interesting
- My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex
- An unfortunate person is one tries to fart but shits instead
- A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can’t
- Anarchists of the world, unite!
- Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
- Don’t be open-minded, your brains might fall out
- Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss
- On the other hand, you have different fingers
- Who laughs last, thinks the slowest
- Pizza is a lot like sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good
- I’m a mistake - legalize abortion!
- I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it
- That money talks I don’t deny… I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!
- Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids
- I’m not a follower… I’m a leader with the same idea
- This is where Napolean beat his bone-a-part
- First law of science: don’t spit into the wind
- I refuse to join any club that would have me for a member
- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Even hot girls have to fart
- I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it
- Do you got with me get lost? I know the way
- It was a brave man who ate the first oyster
- There are three types of economists. Those who can count, and those who can’t
- Sure, there’s no “I” in team, but there is an “M” and an “E”
- If my car was a horse, I would have to shoot it!
- An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire hius work
- Men are like roses, you got to watch out for all the pricks
- Behind every successful woman, is a man who is surprised
- I don’t hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on
- I love deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they go by
- Whoever said nothing’s impossible never tried to slam a revolving door
- Haggis is a self cleaning meal. Leave it for a while and it will get up and walk away
- A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings
- Who’s cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have a “s” in it?
- Why is it that the most unattractive people in this world insist on being nudists?
- I’m not a dumb blonde! I’m knot! I’m knot! I’m knot!
- I don’t know if I’m a player. Ask one of my girlfriends
- Virginity is like a bubble… One tiny prick and it’s gone
- If guys had their period, they’d probably brag about the size of our tampons
- Fat people are harder to kidnap
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does that mean they all have to?
- Fat Girls are like Mopeds: fun to ride, but you don’t want your friends to catch you
- If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten
- I wear the pants in this house. My wife just tells me which pair to wear
- We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture
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