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- We don’t have a town drunk. We all share the responsibilty
- Passwords are like underwear: change them often
- Next time wave all your fingers at me!
- When it comes to baldness, it’s not about losing more hair, it’s about getting more head
- The height of laziness is a man is shitting on the beach and waiting for the tide
- What do they call Bush his zipper? The “U.S. Open
- Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1823
- Impotence: Nature’s way of saying “no hard feelings”
- Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls
- Everyone likes a little ass, but no one likes a smart ass
- I like my steak so rare that when you poke it, it still says mooooo
- The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live
- Earth first. We’ll screw up the other planets later
- Only in America do they buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE
- Oh man this is crazy, I hope I didn’t brain my damage
- Time flies like the wind; fruit flies like bananas
- If you dont like my driving, then stay off the sidewalk
- Be a Minimalist. It’s the least you can do
- After working here, I now realize that “Dilbert” is not a comic strip. It’s a documentary
- She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon
- Behind every great woman, is a guy looking at her ass
- I never appoligize! I’m sorry, that’s just not the way I am
- Moblie phones are the only subject on which men boast about who’s got the smallest
- Stupid statistics cost american companies 30 zillion dollars each year
- Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
- Ass, Grass, or Gas: everybody’s gotta pay
- It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man
- They speak of my drinking but they never consider my thirst
- We’d better get outta here, I think I hear one of those silent alarms
- I don’t like to repeat things, so listen carefully the first six times
- Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
- I must confess, I was born at a very early age
- I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup
- I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own
- The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with
- I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
- I invented the cordless extension cord
- I can’t come tonight, my tires got dizzy…
- Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife
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